Morph Jpeg

So.. I said I was pondering not going to EF, not sure if I posted in LJ but it crossed my mind every day for a week but I ended up going anyways. I was working on my fursuit last time I posted on LJ as well but I managed to finish it just the day before we left for germany and I want everyone to say hi to my suit Narfie.
Yea I know, he looks a bit gay but that's because he is, was fun to wear actually and I'm now happy that I did goto EF. Maybe I'll do it next year as well, if I can afford it.

All in all.. EF was great and I must say I found it even better than last time I went. It's worth it even if you're feeling crap.

---- Warning, bad mood below. ------

It's been like 5 days since we got home and it's actually been quite a good time up till today when I just started feeling crap again, wanting hugs and someone to care for me but ending up sitting alone in my room. Fuzzy started an argument again even though he calls his arguments just a diffrence of opinion or something crap like that, don't know why he likes starting them and why everyone feels the need to "help" him when they have no part of it at all, or why he keeps giving them looks like "isn't he stupid?" or "let's go two against one." and of course that makes the person he looks at start defending him. Oh well.. I guess that's what you get for being in love with someone that goes to bed with anything that moves.

I'm not much better myself though, I should learn to give up trying to explain stuff when people aren't listning or when they heard something that I said but didn't mean and dosen't let me explain. But then.. I'm quite stubborn and dosen't easily give up when I know I'm wrong, I'm even worse when I know I'm right. Anyways, I'm in the middle of doing laundry so I'll end my entry here. Cheers..

I need help.. I don't know what to do. I'm crying, I haven't cried for 7 years..  and I don't know why I'm crying but the tears are just running down my face. I just want to dissapear. I don't want to be a burden to anyone ever again. I'm sorry for all pain I've caused to everyone, I'm sorry to all the friends I've forgotten.

Umm.. yea, it's been like three years since I posted anything here.. wasn't going to anymore really but I just feel like ranting and what better place to do it than here.

Like the title says, what's the bloody matter with me.. this is my current living situation:
I got tossed out of home more than a year ago and moved together with a wolf named FuzzyWolf, really nice guy for letting me stay at his place even thought I've overstayed it by almost a year now. Thing is that I've been in love with this damn wolf for at least three years and I know he liked me earlier on but didn't want any kind of relationship with anyone, one of those free spirit things.
So, I'm living at his place now, with an very unstable income which means that I owe him like 20.000 SEK, that's like 4000 USD for a few missed months of rent. I've slowly payed some back, as much as I can, basically whenever I get cash. I guess that annoys him a little even if he says it dosen't. I do help around the apartment, but as I'm not doing much during the days I could do a bit more, considering I'm still unemployed due to psychological problems which I can't seem to get confirmed as all doctors run away from me.
Here's another thing, like I said I fell in love with the guy a few years ago and I can't seem to get over it, it's no problems during ordinary days as we act just as normal friends but it's as soon as he got friends over the whole apartment turns over. I get jealous for basically no reason at all, I get more clingy and more possessive, this over a guy that I know would never want me as a mate. This ofcourse make his friends look wierdly at me and makes him kinda shun me aside, which only makes the whole circus alot worse, cause now I start feeling not wanted and I kinda act on it, getting more grumpy and stuff, which makes him shun me even more in an endless circle. I already know all of this is wrong for me to do and I'm proberbly only feeling shunned even though I'm not, however they guy has absolutely no respect for others, that's a certain fact.

So we had guests here for two weeks, which was supposed to be a barbeque during one of the weekend and there's this one guys he has kept inviting over and over for the last couple of weeks. That makes me a bit jealous but it's not really the problem, the problem is that Fuzzy likes to argue for "fun" and this guy just keeps agreeing with him on everything. Ok, that's not so bad for some people, but both of them know I'm manodepressive and get really lonely and sad easily, then why do they keep putting up a show infront of me. Example, we all decide to watch a movie, takes about 5min infront of the movie and they are jerking each other off beside me. Why can't they take that to the bedroom where it belongs, if they wanna fuck each other.. don't invite me to watch a movie with them just so they can show off how much they like dick infront of other people. This is what I call disrespectful, mostly because they know how I'll feel but do it every time, of course not the same way. Here's another example, it became quite a late night and we decided to stay up cause we were going to the stores in the morning when they openend. I got a bit cranky during the nigh (manodepressive and tired is not a good combination) so I told them that if I just can have an hour of power sleep, I'd be ready again otherwise I'd be to cranky to go out. So they let me sleep and I got my hour before getting up and out to the livingroom where both of them are jerking each other off again and telling me that they don't want to goto the store anymore cause it might rain, I looked out and there wasn't a cloud on the sky. After an argument that Fuzzy started of course as he likes them and knows that I have a hard time not joining in, I told them what I thought. If they didn't want to goto the store, fine but I still wanted to go, they could both go into the bedroom instead and lock the door so I wouldn't need to see them enjoying each other, this statement at least made them remove thier hands from each other underwear.

It took about an hour before they came knocking on my room door and asked if I wanted to goto the store and as stupid as I was I followed only to make a 3 hour walk, 20m behind them both with his dog, as soon as I got closer they hurried up again. (The stores was of course summer closed..) So when we got home again I tossed everything that wasn't mine on the floor and went to my room which is the opposit room to the bathroom, my room is a bit messy so it's hard to close the door, usually dosen't matter as there's just a hallway and bathroom outside it.. but no.. both of them already knew how pissed off I was and what I really didn't want to see at that moment was.. guess what.. them playing with each other infront of me. But they just happen to want to take a bath together, naked, with the bathroom door open and "watch a movie". So I snapped, went up and slammed the bathroom door closed, LOUDLY, scared the shit out of both of them, then shoved everything in my room to the side and closed my door, turning up music as loud as my ears could handle (I just happen to have the strongest speakers in the apartment) and just sat there doing nothing.

Well.. so I ask, what's the matter with me, why do I get so worked up about stuff I don't really need to care about, he's supposed to be a friend, nothing more. Stuff like this happen every time he has friends over basically, he's very "friendly" with all his friends and it annoys me. I'm trying to move out but I don't really want to either, cause on every other day there's nothing wrong and I can be myself, I've basically hidden my dragon side from everyone, my inner self from everyone outside of this apartment, here.. I can just be me.

I'm making a fursuit now though, only wrote this cause I needed to take a pause, sewing by hand takes time and I want it to look good, back to work. End.

First I want to thanks for the hugs I got and appologize to everyone the felt sad because I was sad. Kinda noticable that I had never been flamed before I guess and I know many want me to fight back against those type of people, but I don't like hurting people or making anyone sad. There was some that even made me smile the same day and I thank you even more, I needed that.

Second is just scribbles..
this happens when you read through your friends LJ's and stumbles upon small meaningless test.

MORPH
M	is for	Mystical
O	is for	Openhearted
R	is for	Rebellious
P	is for	Plucky
H	is for	Hot

I can't really belive this guy, I've always been nice towards everyone I know and if they are starting to get mean towards me I calmly ask the to chill down a bit or I don't answer for a little while to let them calm down. But they are still my friends, but there's one guy on my list that keeps flaming me over and over again and I got enough this time. See if anyone can read this and understand what went wrong?

Quentonis: i love godzilla so for me its uber exciting
Morph: ^_^ The new godzilla is sexy.
Quentonis: the american one sucked ok and guess what hes in godzilla final wars
Quentonis: and gets his ass kicked
Quentonis: just like he deserves
Quentonis: how can you like the american godzilla seriously it was a complete disgrace
Quentonis: especially with how the directors thought of the first godzilla
Morph: Well.. considering I didn't like the old godzilla at all, to me he were just a old guy in a rubber suit. ^^ And I think the american godzilla is sexy, even if it's hollywood made. :)
Quentonis: feh your just like the directors
Morph: Kinda reminds me a bit of Draco.. murrrrrrrrll..
Quentonis: disrespectful and completely ignorant
Morph: I'm not like the directors, and you don't need to be a jackass just because I don't have the same taste as you. I didn't say the american movie was good, I just think the american godzilla is sexy.
Quentonis: fine im a jackass whatever
Quentonis: then just block me if im a jackass
Morph: Alright, just calm down, you're being hyperactive.
Quentonis: i cant believe you call me a jackass when you start it

Well.. it just get worse from here, until I finally say:

Morph: First off, I told you that I thought the old godzilla didn't look more than a old guy in a rubber suit, which he is and I can't say anything else that contradict that information. Second off, I said the american godzilla was sexy, I didn't say that I loved the movie. Third, just because of that you flamed me, calling me disrespectful and totally ignorant. Fourth, making you the one starting this conversation, I told you that you didn't need to be a jackass, which should have ended it but instead you choose the be the jackass and continued flaming. I feel sorry for you.
Quentonis: go fuck yourself jesus christ you out of all the people i figured would be nice when i try to be nice but i guess i was wrong again so go burn in hell i cant wait till you die

I don't know what I did wrong from the beginning, I only said that I thought the american godzilla was sexy. If anyone know what I did bad I want to know about it, cause I haven't been this annoyed at anyone before.

Two news apparently, neither that very good.
On thursday this week my father cam home and said with just these words: "We're moving."
That wasn't very strange, except the thing he said afterwards. "I'm moving up to Susse and you'll have to find an apartment." (Susse being his girlfriend.)
Sure, I want to move out, no problem with that. However, I have no money, no work and I've already been denied an apartment once from the social service. I got three months on me to find an apartment or at least a place to live. Tomorrow I'm going down to the social service again and I'm going to the jobcenter and hopefully find some kind of work. I just hope I can handle it all with school, work and my social phobia. This is going to be stressful until I find myself somewhere to live.
Just an update so everyone knows what happen, haven't typed here for a while. (again)
Tho, I rather want to move to Altiesis and Rappie or to my draggiebrother, DragonTear. ^^

I need to get out of home real soon, I hate my father. I don't know what to do anymore, need to find someway to get my own place. He keeps bringing up how I don't do anything, even tho I do my best every day. I hope to get done with school real soon, maybe that will help me find some work so I can pay for an apartment. Maybe somewhere close to where there's someone that likes me. This town has no good memories for me anymore, I have no friends, no family and no home here. Maybe I can stay with my mother for a while, but I doubt it as my younger siblings and my step father has "moved" in there. Right now I just want to lock my door and hide.
If live were a city, then I'm drowning in the sewers.. with all the crap floating around me. From now on, livejournal will be my only place I can scream my thoughts when I get sad, mad, angry, happy, annoyed or just plain knocked out. It's not like some miracle will happen that will help me take that extra step up from the sewer and into a life, I'll just keep on drowning while taking all the crap.

This is the last night I'm staying at Etath before I get home, I've already packed and is about to head to bed, but first I want to update my journal. My bus leaves in about 10,5 hour.

We had kinda fun today, as I rested yesterday I were not tired at all today and were happy to go out to walk for a bit. First we took the subway down two or three stations just to change to the air-conditioned tram, which I liked very much as I'm still not used to the heat. ^^ After getting down into the centrum of Oslo, we went to the Akershus stronghold, which were the defence against the sea attacks against Oslo in he old days. We then headed to Aker Brygge bar/shop district in Oslo, were we looked for a pizzeria called Pelles Pizza which is the biggest brand in Norway I've heard. Tho the que were to long, so we went to another pizzeria in another part in Oslo centrum. Pizza is extremely expensive in Norway, but they make up for that with the taste and size of them. Oh, we actully went to see norways eternal burning peace-flame. ^^ Before we went home again. And now I'm sitting here, getting ready for bed, now 10h 15min left.

Miss you all, love you my family and mate!

I decided to stay in at Etath place today while Etath and Kou went bathing in the nearby lake, my hindpaws hurt to much. The blisters are getting better now tho, but I'm filled with itching mosquito-bites. Zey stayed with me. ^^ I'm trying to learn him to use geoShell for windows, instead of explorer. I thought it would be easy for him as he's a Linux user. Well, while Etath and Kou were bathing I kind got stuck playing Drakan: The Anceints' Gates, to Playstation2. Wounderful game.

I had decided on making food for everyone before they came back from the lake, Morphie cooking! ^_^ I made a noodle/wok with chinease sweet and sour sauce, only one said they liked the food, but that's enough for me. The other didn't say anything but ate everything there was, so I guess it wasn't bad. Had to call Etath and Kou tho, think they just forgot about the time while they had thier fun, but they were about 40min. But Morphie kept food warm for them.

The rest of the evening we spent on eating icecream and playing Worms3D. That were alot of fun. ^^ I have decided to go home a bit earlier has I know my father maybe could get me 3-4 days of extra work and I could really use the money. So I'm leaving the 12'th, the day after this one. So I have one more day to look around and spend time with some friends.

Love my family, love my mate. Miss you all!

I hate mosquitos!!! *itches all over*

Well, except for that.. I guess the day has been okies. More walking today, my feets and legs still hasn't recovered yet from last day. Don't know what to about the blisters I've gotten.

Today we went downtown to a park, with a big fountain. ^^ It had some really strange statues on and around it. It were like humans all twisted and such, the statues I did like tho were with reptilian humanoid creatures wrestling/holding humans. They looked nice, made me miss my wuff tho. There were lots of flowers as well around the fountain, pretty roses in all diffrent colors.

Well, after that we got home to Etath to get the bbq food to get out a picnic. I got to be the cook, I love cooking. ^^ Especially if the people eating likes my food as well. We had hotdogs and bbq stick with lots of diffrent things on. It were all fine until the mosquitos came, my body is still itching, I'm like a big magnet for bugs. *pouts*

Love you all! *hugs* ^^